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Musings

Endings & Beginnings

It’s the middle of the night, and I can hear all the little things that, under normal circumstances, I would pay no mind to: The tumbling of clothes in the dryer, a tap dripping, cars whizzing by my bedroom window (have to have it open, its been so hot!)…

and I think…

I have been unable to stop thinking about life since earlier this year when things began to change for me in the way of my personal situation. This has lead me down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and it has blocked the good things to flow toward me. I sit up, and I open my laptop and I begin to write…

Even today, I was reminded of the film ‘Pursuit Of Happyness’ featuring Will Smith, a true story account of a single father seeking success and security in a world that isn’t so kind or relenting. I still remember he and his son sitting on that park bench, his head in his hands, and weeping, his young son watching…it was heartbreaking. I saw the film at a time in my life where I had not experienced this kind of challenge in life…..yet….

Fast forward several years and here I lay in my bed thinking about all the challenges that have popped up since January 2017. There are many. If it wasn’t a death in the family, it was another challenge of sorts and it didn’t stop with the roll of another calendar year either. Nope. It just kept on going well into July 2018. Many may think that my problems are minor compared to others, and that may be. After all, I am not living in a third world country. I count my blessings every day that I’m not, too. But that doesn’t mean I am free from burdens and stress. Any single parent reading this will agree.

Had I known that the last ten years of my life since the passing of my mother on September 19th, 2008 would have resulted in the intense emotional, physical, and financial changes in my life, I would have caved then and there. I mean that too. I am not a victim, I am, however, a victim of circumstances that have happened well beyond my control. I have faced challenges in my 46 years on this earth that would make most people give up a long time ago, yet, I continue to believe that there is more to this life than heartbreak, challenges, and sorrow. I persevere.

So here’s how I have kept things together in the meantime:

I count my blessings. every. single. day.

Sound silly? It’s not. The more I think about feeling despair and negativity, the more I realize it only invited more of it into my life. I live by the phrase: ‘What you think about you bring about’ because it’s true. I have spent the majority of the 2018 summer months reflecting, planning, focusing, and throwing as many positive intentions out to the universe as I possibly can. This meant shedding old relationships that no longer brought me peace. It meant looking at my own negative actions and reactions to the people around me and making a concerned effort to change. It meant stopping the ‘why do these things keep happening’ train of thought to ‘these things keep happening because you have not learned the lesson. Stop. Learn. Listen. Proceed.’ Part of this meant re-instilling the belief in myself that ‘I matter, too’.

Throughout the years, I have dedicated so much of my SELF to others through service work, support on my platforms, and even spending days listening and being compassionate to their plight. I advocate for youth and animals when I can, and I listen to those in my community and beyond who are suffering in the areas of mental health, financials, substance abuse, suicide survival, domestic violence, and more. I had always been throwing myself into situations which would often leave me feeling drained mentally and physically. I would often get sick too. It’s no ones fault, its just that I had forgotten along the way that I too, needed to care for myself just as much as I was caring for others.

This is where I am at in this point in my life. Acceptance is an inside job and it’s a tough one. If you can truly look at the ‘facts’ of your life and take out the emotion, we begin to see things much differently. It becomes less about our egos and ‘failure’ and evolves into ‘what did I learn from this?’ and ‘Wow, I actually made it through this!’ You begin to see your life as a series of progressive movements toward completion of what the soul needs to grow. It becomes less about seeing the glass as half empty or half full. It’s the reminder that the glass is refillable. 

From January 2017 to this moment in time, I can count the true friends I have met in that time on one hand. They have seen me through the toughest challenges and they continue to love me, even when I may not be that lovable. There isn’t a day that goes by when they aren’t on my mind or I on theirs, too. I trust that. In addition to these beautiful souls in my life, there are always more coming in and I truly feel that is because I began seeing less of what I don’t have and more of what I do. 

Patience has also been a large part of the last year and a half too. I have not only practiced patience within my self, but also with others who love me. I know that all things must unfold in the time they are meant to and that should something not unfold when I truly need it to, then that’s my sign that the thought no longer deserves to occupy a place in my head, and I let it go. 

August of every year has always been an exciting time for me. My mother’s birthday was in August. I had my first child in August. We prepared for the fall in August, which, being an Alberta girl, this meant clearing of the crops and canning in preparation for winter. Even the trees begin to celebrate in their brilliant orange, red, and purple hues at the end of the month. Although I was born on the first day of spring, the fall has always felt like the true rebirth of my life. It’s the ‘shedding of the old skin’ so to speak, and the rebirth of something much more beautiful inside just waiting to explore the new world it has awoken to, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. 

I was born a gifted ‘intuitive’, a ‘see-er’, if you will, and as an empath, I often get the ‘feeling’ that something is about to change for better or for worse. Lately, I have been feeling more positive than usual and I contribute that to actively stripping the negative from my life, putting my best intentions out to the universe, and asking for exactly what I wish for. However you practice your faith and whatever faith or religion you choose, at the end of the day, its about stripping the ego and being of service not just to others, but also, yourself. 

It goes back to me sitting here, in the middle of the night, writing this entry. And suddenly, I realize, the troublesome things that kept me awake turn to hearing the beautiful and calming things to soothe me to sleep. There’s the distant rumble of a storm about to break, the fresh breeze cooling off my warm skin, the sound of music gently playing, amber lighting from the candle lit next to my bed…and suddenly, the big things don’t seem so daunting anymore. I grow tired, close the lid of my laptop, and nestle into my bed. I am calm now because I realize that it’s not about me. It’s about my contribution to my soul for growth. It’s about contributing my best self to the service of others and being in an positive mind-frame so that I can continue to contribute to them. It’s about calming the spirit and trusting the universe to answer me as it has always done. It’s about believing again that good things happen to good people and that I am deserving because I am a good person, too.

And that, my friends, is how I choose to see my future. The road in front of me isn’t so daunting now. I have faced the worst. I will persevere. I will pursue ‘Happyness’.

I hope if you are reading this and you are struggling too, that it brings you solace and peace knowing you are not alone.

Good night,

Candice Anne Marshall x

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