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Musings

Replenish

Last night, after a very long week, just as I was settling into bed, I was alerted to the familiar ‘ping!’ on my Facebook messenger. It was a message from my friend Kenny Collette with the following:

“Hey Love! If possible, I would love to have my new single/streaming video featured on Starlight (Music Chronicles)!”

Kenny, who goes by his stage name Lazarus Wilde, was referring to his beautiful new single ‘Angor Animi’ which drops March 1st, 2018. This isn’t a new jingle to me, I was lucky enough to give Kenny’s single the first spin of this hauntingly beautiful song on my Limehead Radio shows in January after being privy to hearing it firsthand. I have to add, I can never get enough of this beautiful song, Kenny’s vocals are uniquely enchanting, and extremely addicting.

Now, it must be said that Kenny’s message arrived at the end of another successful show with past-life regression Therapist Doug Buckingham on my new podcast platform, ‘The Candice Anne Marshall Show’. I was already feeling high as a kite knowing that all my hard work on getting this episode together came out seamlessly. What most people don’t know is that behind the scenes, the whole recording of this episode was run through the Spreaker platform for the (almost) three-hour duration, finishing up at 1:30am and was ready to launch for noon MST the next day. Being the perfectionist I am, I made sure all went through well, and discovered that there was no sound! I had to first fix the issues (another half hour clicked by), and then had to run it through once more. I think I finally crashed at 4:30am after ensuring that the second run was a success. I woke a few hours later exhausted but more than excited to get ‘the show on the road’. It was also my first show complete with music from all the lovely indie artists that I had been previously supporting on my Limehead Radio show.

Here’s where I get to the point of my story:

You see, I can get so involved into my own projects that I can easily forget to connect with the world around me. Thank goodness for my close inner circle of friends messaging me to see if I am alive now and again, otherwise I might completely drift from humanity! I messaged Kenny back. ‘Can you please send me the lyrics to this song?’. I got them within minutes. They go like this:

 

Angor Animi

Motions through my chest

It didn’t feel right was it a heart attack I don’t know.

I kept breathing in and out and started thinking was this the way I go out. I don’t know what to make of it.

Fear, rattles my nerves.

I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t think. Something isn’t right.

I keep a book by my side that reads “Your teachings will be what shows someone light” how will I know. If I’ve taught anyone.

I’ve measured success on how I lived my life. I’ve witness beauty through the darkest of times and I’m sure I’ve yet to still see everything.

 

Fear is what I don’t know.

I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t think

Something isn’t right.

Clues trail to my past and I start to see what I’ve ignored before.

Truths to what I’ve neglected the most.

It’s the eyes I’ve never opened up before.

This doesn’t feel right do I have to stay?

 

The lyrics really made me really think. I haven’t been feeling so well lately and I realized that there is still so much in my personal life that I would like to change for the better and that time is slipping by so fast! Wasn’t it Christmas, like, a minute ago?

I began looking through my newsfeed on Facebook, deliberately going in and checking on my friends to see how they are doing. I began realizing how out of touch I was this past week and how important it was to reconnect and replenish even for myself. In doing this, I discovered a dear friend who is going presently through chemo treatments. I saw photos of her brave, beautiful face with her husband next to her in a hospital room. My life began flashing past, and I realized that the last several years while building Starlight Music Chronicles, I have been so out of touch with beautiful people like this that seeing a post like this jolted me into reality: ‘Life is short Candice, get out there and LIVE!’ was the phrase that came to mind right away.

My girlfriend did my hair on my wedding day. I have known her since I was 17. We had witnessed many things together: the birth of our children, marriage, divorce (me), career changes, and now, illness. It made me really see the importance of messages that we are ‘meant to see’ at the right time in life, a concept Mr. Buckingham and I spoke extensively on for the podcast earlier in the day. Yet, here I was, weeks (months, and years) flying by of my life, and I wasn’t stopping to even connect with my friends or even replenish myself. I took seeing this as a sign that I need to slow down and learn to say ‘no’ a little more often…I also saw it as a reality check that I need to connect more with the people who have brought so much love and joy to my life. These people have enriched me with the positive experiences, healing, and memories that have shaped me today, and I realize now after seeing my beautiful friend fighting a very real-life battle and me not realizing it until I forced myself to check in on her, that I need more of this human connection.

But how does an empath do this? I know myself: if I begin looking at posts on social media, I can easily be lead down the rabbit hole and before I know it, hours have passed, and nothing is accomplished. But is it really nothing accomplished if I am spending hours connecting with friends and family? I used to think that way. Before this past year and even this past month, I used to think that to not produce something after spending all that time on social media was not being productive with my (already limited) time. I used to also think that people would judge me for not being productive either, because, well, they have. I have actually been asked ‘why aren’t you doing (this) for me?’ or ‘how about my (x) project? Aren’t you going to interview me?’, etc. I get that a lot more than people realize and as an empath, that can affect you really hard because you feel like you can never do enough to help people, and the hardest person on you is yourself. I love to help as much as I possibly can and when I don’t, I feel awful.

However, I am now beginning to see the way I replenish and connect during some much-needed ‘time off’ differently. If I can spend a few hours connecting with the people I love, whom I have witnessed life changes with, then I feel it is time well spent. I have stopped worrying about the people who message me and think I am ‘rude’ or ‘ignorant’ for not responding or tending to their projects as soon as they say I should. I no longer fall into the trap of (sometimes narcissistic) individuals who think I should ‘feel bad’ because I haven’t responded or followed up. I am one person, and most of the time, people forget that. I blame myself for this though, I need to learn to say no more often and I haven’t. My quest to please everyone at the sake of not even tending to my own personal care or that of the people I love is no longer acceptable though because I am missing precious time with the people in my personal sphere who really matter to me. I can no longer ignore or shut out these people because they were there for me long before Starlight Music Chronicles.

I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth. No one does really…but what I do know is that I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life and if that means if spend a few hours now and again connecting with the people I love, or even replenishing myself by getting proper rest so I can function, then that’s just how it needs to be. I feel that these ‘little detours’ are a just reward for the hard work and dedication I give to bring my interviews and show to the public eye every week, day, and hour and once again, music was my reminder and my muse. I think I may just go visit my friend for a few hours and bring her some flowers.

Thank you, Kenny. I needed this.

Friends, I give you, ‘Angor Animi’. Replenish yourselves, get proper rest, and spend time with the people who matter. We all deserve this.

Ps: the image I chose for this feature is from a special deck of enlightenment cards I have. I draw a card from the pile now and again and yesterday, this is the one I drew. It represents the importance of love in friendships. If you look closely, you can depict the arms of someone wrapping themselves around an entity which is the infinity symbol. To me this represents great significance in the importance of embracing my friendships for as long as we breathe and even beyond that point too. Pretty amazing hey?

Candice x

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